Women are obsessed with boobs almost as much as men are. From the time we are about 9 and notice something happening below our chins we are forever dealing with our breast issues. First its a training bra,and werent we proud to take THAT to school on the first day of 6th grade? Then onto a jazzy little underwire.. probably pink, and strutting through the lockeroom in Gym class.. mentally comparing yours to hers and hoping/praying theyd eventually get that big. Then its sexy little $40 numbers from Victorias Secret,the kind you WANT him to see… and then later remove  Then suddenly you are mature enough to realize that the only secret Victoria ever held was that the secret to life is a comfortable bra, and you buy granny bras from Walmart because they are the most comfy.

When you have a baby you hope/pray that they will serve thier intended purpose well. They stretch to sizes previously unimaginable only to be left slightly deflated looking after 8 or so months of constant production.

Then when you are 35 or so you have your first mammogram. The dr pokes em, prods em and generally paws you. Then a tech squishes them flat… and hopefully? All clear. 

My mother, whose boobs until recently I rarely gave a second thought to, did not get an “all clear” at her last mammogram. She got that thoughtful look from her Dr. and was sent for further tests…

We of course said to her.. and LOUDLY to ourselves. “Its nothing.”

Its something.

“precancerous cells” showed thier faces on a slide of fluid removed from the left side.

Then another more invasive test revealed another something.

Friday she goes for a biopsy on that something.

In the mean time, as we wait for time to pass until the actual test, and then after for the results. I keep looking at my boobs. I keep thinking about chemo and radiation, and bald sick people whom I Do Not Know. People whom I have great compasion for… but people whom I do not love.

Its an elephant in the room..We DO NOT say the ”C” word . Steven and I do not talk about it. He knows I am thinking about it though, and thankfully he is letting me process it in my own way. My Dad, always a pessimist warns us that Mom will need our help with the chemo, and that we should prepare our girls, and that no matter what we will fight this aggressively.  My sister who lives in Alaska is thinking that she should move home for a while. We are all thinking.

and waiting.

I keep telling myself that its nothing. Breast cancer doesnt run in our family, nobody ever had it.. its just nothing.

But I am scared to admit.

It might be something.

It seems Ms Caitlin Upton from Lexington, South Carolina, Did us quite proudly in the Miss TeenUSA pagaent.. clearly shattering all blonde stereo types when she resonded in the interview portion of the pagaent.

Q: Why cant 20% of Americans find the United States on a World map?

A : “I personally believe thats it’s US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there dont have maps? And I believe that our Education like such as South Africa and THE Iraq everywhere such as and I believe they should, our education over here in the US should help the US uh…. should help South Africa and should help The Iraq…”

From there a string of drool runs from her pretty lipsticked over tanned lips… no not really.  But DOH!

Having sent my daughters off to South Carolina public schools this morning? I am a little frightened.. it also made me want to go buy a map.

IN her defense I will say that she must have been under a tremendous amount of pressure as when she appeared on the Today Show she was very articulate and didnt seem to be dumb in the slightest.

but still.

YIKES.

Someone from my past is back.

In high school I had this “friend”. He was older than me and I coveted him. To my 16 year old mind he was the best looking thing I had ever seenand ever would see. He was/is half italian and half cuban and I wanted him for my very own. And I had him.. pretty much. We talked on the phone every day and hung out all the time.. except when he had one girlfriend or another.. When he moved away his Sr year, we kept in touch. I didnt wait for him.. there were others in my life.. but I always felt like if I waited long enough. He’d come back for me. And he did.

When he went to basic training for the USAF, I was the one he called back home. When he was stationed  back in our hometown we hung out all the time. We went to my Jr Prom together. (How cool was I bringing an Airforce soldier to prom?) And in my mind.. there just wouldnt be anyone else for me.

In time our relationship got pretty physical…I gave up things that I had held for a long time. We werent any kind of official couple, as he dated some and so did I. We always just seemed to come back around to one another. When his relationships didnt work out. I was there for him. I thought that eventually he would fall for me.

For a while we got very close. I was very attatched to him.. I may have even loved him. He went to Saudi Arabia for several months and I sent him care packages and played the good girlfriend at home.. even though I had been made no promises. 

Finally one night I discovered he was carrying on with a roommate of mine. He loved her.. or sopposedly did. They eventually got married. I was devastated. I reeled from the finality of it.

Ever felt like a total fool and worse you  KNOW that its your own fault? I was never made promises, but I assumed that eventually he would realize how awesome I was.  It took me a long long time to recover from it. I wont blame my behavior on anyone but myself. But I decided from there that I would just do whatever (and whomever!) I wanted, since loving someone wasnt that important after all. I even almost married someone I didnt love. Only because he DID whisper sweet nothings in my ear and because he said all the things Id wished Id heard from one that I loved.

Anyway. LONG story short. A few months ago he called. HIM. Mr hot cuban/italian. And let me tell you. Age has only improved him. For a while we chatted like old friends.. talked about friends and old times. We emailed back and forth. Very friendly. Occasionally skirting on “dangerous” topics. But for the most part I thought he just wanted my friendship back. He was happily married and so was I. We both had pretty little families and we could be friends again…. right?

Wrong.

 Yesterday he called, and dropped the bomb.

He is getting a divorce.

I know he thinks I will come back to him.

His relationship didnt work.

And now he thinks that I will drop my life and take him back.

After 10 years he thinks I am still that girl.

He has something coming. I am NOT that girl anymore. I have healed from the insecurity and the co-dependancy and the low self-esteem of my youth. I am happily married to a man that loves me for me.. not for who I might become and certainly not because I make him feel better about himself.

How bout them apples Mr?

Today on Barefoot Contessa Ina Garten was disscussing what she considers to be “The Perfect Sandwich”. In her opinion it is the BLAT (bacon lettuce avacado and tomato on homemade white toast)

eh.

Dont get me wrong a good blt with avacado has merit. AND Im sure that the one Ina made was AWESOME.. it had fancy farm raised organic bacon and homegrown tomatoes and homemade mayo on it. Yeah. Sounds orgasmic. But what about the rest of us who have Oscar Myer, Dukes Mayo (The ONLY real mayo.. and only available in the south. Were I ever to move west or north Id have to have it shipped to me. Kraft just wont do anymore.)and iceberg lettuce? the BlT just doesnt do it for me. Its good, but its boring. 

Think about what you consider the perfect sandwich. I think, that if you will, you can relate it to your personality.

  Take my father for instance. His favorite is fried bologna with pimento cheese. It is what it is. You cant fancy it up. If you try? It tastes all wierd.Leave it as it is and you will be happy with it. It is perfect in its self, strange as it may sound.. its good. just as it is.

  Then there is Thing Two. She likes the crust cut off… she likes only ketchup  and only on one side.. and only certain lunch meats… not pb&J and not tuna. meat only. And maybe something that was acceptable yesterday might not be again today. No cheese.  And you better not try sneaking anything else in there. She is that way in life too. She likes it how she likes it. Always has. Dont mess with it. Dont ask why, just do it that way and life is good.

Thing One is far more easy going. She will eat the crust.. or not. She likes ketchup on it…mustard too.. and whatever you happen to have in the fridge will be ok. PB & J today? OK sure. She has things she has tried that she doesnt care for. Like Mayo.. but she might try it again some time.. just to see if she changed her mind. In life? Just the same. Life is taken as it comes for her. She is far more forgiving than most and she will forgive more than most too. She rolls with the punches really well.

My favorite sandwiches are complex. The Perfect Cup in the Dimond Mall in Anchorage Alaska made a smoked salmon salad sandwich that had swiss cheese, onion, tomato, cucumber, and spouts on pumpernickel that makes my mouth water. The Qupqugiaq Cafe the little place I worked at in college made a Cajun chicken on sourdough with tobbassco mayo, carmelized onions, tomato, romaine lettuce and gorgonzola cheese all grilled on a panini grill that was AMAZING. Even tonight I made a chicken salad sandwich that was all full of different flavors and textures. I wonder if that makes me a complex person? Full of different sides and never the same twice.

Yankee Chicken Salad

2 roasted chicken breasts cooled and cubed

1 small apple cored and diced

about 12 grapes quartered

1/3 cup walnuts

1/3 cup diced celery

salt and pepper to taste

1/3 cup mayo

Mix all together and put on your favorite bread.. YUM

We are told this week, that there is a very real possiblity that we had a misscarriage. All that mess with my discontented ovaries may have been the loss of a very early pregnancy. I didnt test pregnant at any point in the process,  but Since I didnt test positive for pregnancy with Caitlin until I was nearly 20 weeks. I am thinking that they may be right.

Just to say the words and to assume that its true are wierd for me. They are forgein in my mouth and sound strange to my ears when I hear them in refference to me. “I was pregnant, but now Im not.”

I keep looking for the sense of loss that women go through with the loss of a pregnancy. I keep telling myself. Maybe a baby was there, and now its dead. A real person.. or the beginings of one. My son or daughter was, but isnt now. FEEL SOMETHING.

 To be completely honest? Im not feeling much at all except relief that it isnt exploding ovaries, or worse. I guess the relief is there that YAY. our parts work. Steven isnt infertile. I am capable of having his baby.

Someone in my past used to say “Feelings (emotions) are always real, they just arent always accurate.” And I soppose I am allowed to feel anything I want to feel. But I think the fact that I dont feel sad, is scaring me a little. Why dont I feel sad?

 So Im all randomness today. I know youll love that. Busy getting ready for school to start on thursday. We went to the Junior High (UGH! Nooo way am I old enough to have a teenager.ha ha) And it was chaos. Total chaos. Apparently the Dillon district has hired themsemves a bulldog disaplinarian for the middle school meanies. Personally as a parent of a non-trouble maker I am thrilled. Some teachers are finding the changes she has implemented a little troublesome. Including moving all the classrooms around in the building. Wich was a problem since class schedules have been written for weeks. SO.. when Thing One and I and about 700 other parents and various students and younger siblings went to registration yesterday? ALL of the classroom numbers were wrong. NONE of the teachers were sure of what was going on AND the AC managed to quit when someone pulled the fire alarm. I am ALREADY nervous about sending my kiddo off to the big scary junior high.. and this craziness? Oh yeah it helps a lot. We did manage to get all of her teachers met save one, and FINALLY got her to make a decision on what band instument she planned to play. Ready? Its NOT a flute (nothing wrong with flutes.. I just hoped she would play something more original.) Tenor Sax. Really. Its sooo oringinal in fact she wont even have to rent or buy an instument, as the band leader has one she can play. YAY. That cuts our expesses to probably just a mouth piece. YAHOO.

I dyed my hair. Yeah, summer BLAHS and a look at some old pics of me all sexy and skinnier and with deep auburn hair prompted me to run to Wally’s and go dark. Steven LOVES it. I was surprised as he isnt much for change AND he never never says to much about my appearance. Kinda like.. if I thought you were ugly, I wouldnt be with you. If anything changes? I’ll let you know.. But he was like. “BABY! That is HOT.” wich is always good for a girls ego.Personally I think it doesnt look that different.. kinda like my winter hair in the summer. But HE likes it so much that I would do it again and again just for him to get that thrill Silly boy.

Thing One’s mama is sopposed to be back from Mexico this week. We have no idea WHERE in mexico she has been so we dont know if Hurricane Dean will factor in that. BUT Thing One’s half sister needs to be back monday for the start of school in thier town. Thing One is excited to see them its been almost 2 months since she saw her mother. She really shocked me and sent her mom a SCATHING email. I knew she was hurt and angry over her mom not calling all this time.. but I was FLOORED over the frankness, and anger she expressed in it. Actually I wish she would have run it by me before she mailed it. I happen to think expessing anger in an email is pretty passive aggressive behavior and I dont think its as healthy as telling someone how you feel in person. But its a step for her. I only hope that her Mom takes it as a 12 yr old telling her that she was hurt and not as something that came from her Daddy or I.  We’ll see how it plays out. UGH. Baby Mama Drama. I hate it.

And finally a friend sent me this meme. I will fill it out just for you.

Four jobs I’ve had:
1. Nanny
2 Manager at Books A Million
3. Soux Chef at a busy resturant

4. MOM

Four movies I can watch over and over:

1. The American President

2. Summer Magic

3. A League of Thier Own

4.Grease 2
Four countries I have been to:
1. Canada
2. Italy
3. Hungary
4. Romania

Four places I’d rather be right now:
1. On the banks of the Kenai river in Alaska, fishing.

2. At the beach with a few days of vacation ahead of me

3. Someplace FINALLY hearing the words “Youre Pregnant, and dont have to take any more drugs!”
4. Shopping.. with someone elses money.

Four foods I like to eat:
1. Seafood… pretty much anything that lives in the ocean with lemon and butter

2. My Paula Deen fried chicken. YUMM

3. Turkey Legs at Disney World (really anything you eat at Disney tastes better)

4. A really good salad with lots of good stuff in it and a grilled Ribeye.

Four places I have lived:
1. Anchorage, Alaska

2. Bellevue, Washington

3. Dillon, South Carolina

4. Waxahachie, Texas

Heres the latest and greatest for me.

1. Dog the Bounty hunter is sexy. I dont even know why though.Actually his son Duane Lee is WAY hot. I think Im just attracted to dark guys.. and then there is the whole goatee thing. I like me a man with a beard. We wont EVEN bring up the handcuffs A&E had an all day marathon the other day and I watched like 8 hours of DBH. That Duane.. he is a hottie.

2. ALDI’s has a brand of kettle chips that are THE BOMB. OMG. Those things are tasty. Ranch and Peppercorn being the best. Pick em up, you wont be sorry.. to bad they arent low fat!

3. I like some of the lame kiddy pop my kids listen to on Radio Disney. Riahanna? yes. Jones Brothers? yeah. I even find myself singing along to Miley Cyrus. I am so lame. I am really contemplating buying the old Fergie cd.

4.My tan is fading fast. I could totally see how people get addicted to going to the tanning booth. Hopefully it will cool off soon and I will be able to enjoy being outside again. I just cant see laying in the bathwater pool and baking my skin. However when it cools off?Im all over it.

6. I am dying to get to the beach. Its like its calling to me. I have a trip planned in October.. but right now it seems like its way to far away.

7. Emma Grace has finally started calling me by name. YAY. Well she’s been saying MEME for a long time.. she just finally connected ME with the name.

8. I bought my first christmas presents today for my nieces. YAY. I plan to be FINISHED before decemeber even gets here since this year Steven and I ARE buying for one another.. we never have before! I am excited to see what he will get for me when left to his own devices.

I am BAD at this blogging all the time thing.. NEW resolution.. KEEP UP LAMEHEAD. ugh.

So summer is getting over way to soon.. not the hot weather though. Can you imagine having to go back to school and its 100 degrees? I feel so bad for my girls. School here in Dillon starts next week and its still so hot. ew.

To celebrate (?) the end of summer we are throwing a huge sleepover/hollywood premiere party here tommorow night. In case you live on MARS.. or dont have pre-teen girls, the premiere of High School Musical 2 is tommorow evening at 8 pm on Disney Channel. This has been a subject of CONSTANT discussion for the entire summer. We just COULDNT let an event like THAT pass without a party could we?  No way.. we just dont roll like that (ha). So we invited various girlfriends and are doing it up Disney Style.

   I have purchased Official HSM2 gear and decorations and plan to decorate the house with red and white (wildcat colors of course) and of course posters of ONLY the cutest boy on the planet (Zach Efron who else?) and the other kids from the movie. I got a couple yards of red fabric and Im going to tack it down out the front door with garden stakes to look like a “red carpet” I am putting balloons on the door and a “premiering tonight” sign on the door.

For food I will  be decorating EHS cupcakes tonight after the munchkins go to bed. We plan to order pizza and watch HSM1 before the premiere as well as watch bits and pieces of an all day Zach and Cody marathon. The for the main event we have popcorn and BLUE icies like Sharpay drinks around the pool in the movie (according to People magazine anyway)

   We  also got the pool cleaned really well and this evening Thing One and I will be placing solar lights around it so that after the movie the girls can go for a late night swim.

The girls should have an awesome time. I hope so anyway… Steven (the dog) will be working until 10 leaving me with the girls.. wich actually will be good since this will DEFINATLY be the estrogen ocean tommorow!

Well, it’s done! The den is painted. It looks so so nice. I would post a picture, but we are waiting till payday to purchase the last few pieces of crown molding and then TAHDAH! Our fixer-uper will be all fixed up. I am so happy with the way it all turned out. We chose to repaint the room with a hue nearly identical to the lovely peachy rosy cream color that my father chose when he built the den on the the house. I had forgotten just how pretty the room had been when it was first built. There is something very calming about the rosy hues in the cream. I love it.

  Next I want to begin the process of adding on a small bedroom to make this place a 3 bedroom.. wich is what we desparately need… and what will make this truely our dream home… well really one that we both knew we’d never be able to afford, yet we have been blessed with it. Ever look around at your belongings and just not feel worthy?

 Its getting to be back to school time here in Dillon. I am getting anxious about it. Thing One will be starting Jr High and its a big change for her. I know she will be fine, she always is. SO smart and SO poised. She is growing up so fast. It scares me to even blink because I know that if I look away for too long, she’ll be all grown up and I will somehow have missed it.

  A lot of Moms are struggling right now with the whole back to school shopping thing. I have solved the problem. I just dont do it. Its so darn hot here in SC in August. I cant imagine buying up jeans and preppy outfits that the kids really wont wear for 3 or so months. So in the spring I buy them a few more shorts outfits and capris ( love love love those.. I will HATE it when they go out of style.) that I normally would, and then they wear those until it cools off around the end of October. THEN I go and buy jeans or whatever they need. I miss the crowds and usually all the back to school stuff is on clearance. I do have to buy supplies and the like, and of course the obligatory NEW booksack… I cant imagine sending them off with LAST YEARS bookbag although this year my mother bought Thing Two, who is currently a raving fanatic over High School Musical 2’s upcoming premiere a new ” I LOVE TROY” messanger bag.. and then in the spirit of fairness took Thing One to pick out whatever her rising Jr Higher heart desired in that arena.. a purple jansport ruck that is adorable and HOPEFULLY will last at least a few weeks seeing as they have to carry home ALL thier belongings since Dillon hasnt added lockers to the hundred year old school campus. Can you imagine having to lug a 40-50 lb ruck all day long and then home on the bus? rediculous

This evening I enjoyed a quiet peaceful night..ALONE. The kids went off to my in-laws house for the night and Steven was at work. I made the most delicious pasta dish with home-grown tomatoes, basil from my own herb pots and feta cheese. I also added some shrimp I have been saving for a special occasion and some white wine to the sauce. It was so yummy.Then I popped in “You Me and Dupree” a movie I had home from Netflix and had such a lovely evening. I was halfway through the movie when I realized that this was the first time that I had been truely pain-free since last thursday. YAY. I am sooo glad that is over… and I really really hope not to repeat the situation.